December 2, 2010

a love letter

I wrote about pain and suffering for so long, because those were the only feelings I knew.
I dreamt about a future, filled with love and happiness, because those were the things I thought I’d never have.
I watched romantic comedies, hoping that I would have something similar to them.
Waiting, hoping and dreaming was all I did.
Crying, cutting, hurting, bleeding were the only actions I knew how to do well.
As I waited my hope faded.  As I waited my heart became more cold, more tough, more used to the loneliness. As I waited I lost my dreams. The dreams I had were slowly fading away into the darkness, into the abyss, where they were going to be lost forever. In which they would never return to me, never be a part of my life again.
As the light seemed to leave my side, as I fell more and more into a hole, and started to not care, but then..
You came…
You came into my life as an acquaintance, as a familiar face, a friend of a friend… you seemed shy, but not too much.. you were open, but not too sharing.. you were kind but not too giving.. you were secretive with your actions, but your eyes told me a lot. I saw the glances you gave me, with the corner of your eye. You were respectful, never pushed yourself on me. You held me close, but not too close, you kept me away, but at an arm’s reach. You analyzed me, each move, each word, and each gesture that I made. You got to know me, as I was trying to get to know you. But I guess you were a step ahead of me. However, maybe you thought that I didn’t realize your ways.. I did, but actually didn’t want to put my hopes in you too much.
Since I only knew pain, that was what was familiar to me. You were a sign of happiness and that kinda scared me. I knew that I would give myself to you fully, because I trusted you, even before you came to me. I knew I would love you, love you till the end. Love you until you would leave me. I knew that you would be a deep cut in me, more painful than ever, a cut that wouldn’t stop bleeding for a long time.
But you just came, with a cute smile on your face, with your child-like eyes, with your sweet words and your warm heart. As we accepted each other into our lives, as we missed each other after 5 mins of being away.. we are here now.
Me, the girl who knew loneliness and pain, the girl who thought that warmth would only come from family and friends, is now in love. Is now not so scared of being hurt.. because right now, nothing matters, but you…
Nothing matters but your hands, your kiss, your lust.. the passion that we have… the fun we have in secret, our inside jokes… your sweet voice.. you keeping me warm until I fall asleep… nothing matters but the way you make me feel… nothing matters but the feelings that I have for you.
You are the one that makes me smile, the one that gives me hope every morning, the one that I wake up to.. you are my reason, my being.. you made this girl smile even though she has deep cuts in her soul..  you taught this girl what it means to be loved.. what it means to be happy..
Thank you my one and only… thank you “my baby”…

i found this between my old files, hiding in my old hard-disk.. 

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