travel time

I think I need to get away.. go away for a while.. have great company with me.. to just relax and have fun..

no more Paris

the only post I could write about Paris was Paris Day 1, no more to come.. as Paris is over.. I am on my way back home.. waiting at the airport for my flight.. (this post was meant for Sunday, March 4th)
Paris was life changing in a sense.. I am going through a change that I am not sure how to explain, put into words or even feel..

I guess you never know what's going to happen in a second later than now..

A friend asked me yesterday if I thought I was a good person or not? at first I said, I hope I was. He said he didn't ask me whether I hoped or not but what I thought about myself.. For a second (minute) I couldn't reply.. I thought about all the people I have hurt, in the past, in near past.. all the people who I might have offended in some way or another, disappointed..

I still do not have an answer to this.. I think it's not important what I think of myself but is important what others would say..
I wonder what my friends would say... what those in my past would say.. I do wonder..

Paris–Day 1

A sleepless night, an early flight.. 3 youngsters go to Paris.. LeCan, Sarpero and I..

After a flight filled with dancing (sleeping for LeCan) we landed in Paris.. got to our hotel and then threw ourselves onto the streets of Paris..

After walking for an hour around our hotel, we took the metro to Concorde.. walked a little over to Champs-Elysees then went into one of my favorite places: L’avenue..

A little bit of our yesterday:

happy birthday

this is a late post.. yet, there is no time to say how much I love you.. and how lucky I am to have you in my life..

My bestest best best friend RKA had his birthday last Monday, 20th of Feb..

                 

A nice group of friends met at Lucca – amazing spot.. (I really should do a post about Lucca – if you knew how much time I spend there you would agree)

anyways.. back to the birthday.. last year I wasn’t with Kaan during his birthday which made me sad.. since we spent a whole lot of birthdays together..

my dear Kaan, I don’t think I said it much.. I think I should say it again.. I am so lucky to have you in my life.. as a friend, as family..

You are so dear to me that words cannot explain.. you are my safe place, which I come to, where I know there are no bad feelings, no heartaches, no prejudices.. just simple love.. just simple 1:1 time..

Happy Birthday Love.. May all the happiness be yours..

Kaan Bday VIEW SLIDE SHOW DOWNLOAD ALL

photos photos 2

and the gang..

      

funny girl

my moms usual words about me are "funny girl".. when I do something or say something out of the ordinary - unusual..
so again tonight those were her words for me: funny girl.. as I found an inspiration and tried it out..

My inspiration:

and me:

www.nobodyknowsmarc.cm

i have a friend

a dear friend to me.. I met him not a long time ago.. but not so soon either.. he was with me every day when I went through the tough phase this summer.. that's when we grew closer..

I always think I have figured him out..and I do believe that I have.. I know his habits, I know when he is down, when something pissed him.. or what's so ever.. but then.. I remember how hard he tries to block his feelings around people.. how much stuff he has in his head, that he thinks about.. may it be his job, women coming and going in his life.. or just a comment he got from someone..

I try talking to him.. and you know what - he does open up to me.. I think he likes that I listen to him.. and pay attention.. he gets so excited when he tells me a story from his past, or just something that happened 2 minutes ago.. i love that he has this childish excitement in him..
I also like that he has that childish look in his eyes, when he gets excited.. but those eyes.. also are mirrors to his inner dwellings..
I sometimes wonder what else does he have in that brain of his? how tired is his sole? what is he fighting against?
He is usually in a chillaxxx mode, however in a second he becomes this other person that is totally the opposite than his previous version..

so anyways.. I don't know why I am writing about him right now..but I just thought about him.. and realized we haven't talked in a while..

I should catch him in the office tomorrow and buy him a coffee..

ALARA KAP at HARPERS BAZAAR TURKEY

I am so proud to be sharing this with you.. my friend has been featured in Harpers Bazaar Turkey, as part of – Fabulous at Every Age and she represent 20’s..

I am amazed by her.. and so inspired by her.. Love you Lala, and I know there is more to come..

click on the images to go to her blog! I’m sure you will like her, as much as I do …

left behind

 

arkanda bakanlari biraktin ve gittin bugun.. ben bakakaldim arkandan.. sirtini donup gittiginde, artik bende dondum ve yoluma baktim.. isime gittim.. calistim.. didindim.. zaman hic gecmek bilmedi bugun.. istedim ki aksam olsun, ucagin insin, sesini duyabileyim, yada bir mesaj alayim senden..

gidenin arkasindan bakmak ne zormus, bunu anliyorum her defasinda.. senelerce annemlerin cektigini yasamak zormus gercekten.. ben giderken laylaylom gidiyormusum megersem.. hic arkama bakmadan.. cok degisik bir duygu geride kalmak.. arkadan bakmak.. sevdigin kisinin gidisini izlemek..

biliyorum ki geri gelecek, bize birsey olmayacak, ama sanirim “yalniz” olmak en buyuk iskence bana suan.. gittigimiz yerler bana onu hatirlatirken, heryerde eski anilarimiz varken, onu yanimda istemekten baska bir sansim olmamasinin hayal kirikligi var kalbimde.. ama bilirim ki buda gecer, biz gene biz oluruz.. guclu dururuz.. yeter ki geri donus olsun.. kavuscagimiz gun olsun.. simdi yapmamiz gereken, yeni bir geri sayim, ve gelecegi gunu beklemek..

~~  ~~  ~~ ~~ ~~   ~~  ~~   ~~  ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~   ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~     ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~  ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~

it is hard to be the one left behind.. the one that looks behind a lover, a friend, a family member leave you behind and move on.. not moving on to be exact, as a breakup, but to move on to another place.. “my baby” left yesterday, he went back to the States, and now I am the one who is left behind, stated at the same place and trying to move on also..

I never understood how my parents felt when they were saying their goodbyes to me at the airport, while I was moving on and going to the States.. now I know, how heartbreaking that experience was for them.. me; not looking back, and them seeing me go.. how emotional and how disastrous is it to one’s heart, I understand it now.

I hate being left behind, I honestly do. I got used to having him around so much, that I feel incomplete now.. I don’t enjoy anything, everyplace brings up memories, every places serves as a reminder of him.. but as time passes, I know I will get used to being “alone”.. and I know that he will return.. so starting from now, we all will be starting to do a new countdown..

I was trying to describe you to someone..

sent to me by my dear friend Ozu’m.. had to share it with you…

back in business!

Back from resting for 20 days... I am back in business! I am back in the office, back at work.. reading and deleting and replying to emails all day.. figuring out what it was that I do at work and what functionality I have..
It feels good to be back..!


we had an amazing weekend.. spending time with friends does boost ones morale and happiness levels.. I did learn to appreciate friends more while I was in the hospital.. everyone needs a support group, a circle of friends that they can rely on.. and you know what, it doesn't matter if you know people for 20 years or just for a few months, because people can surprise you.. those you have known the longest may not even be there for you, but those you have just known for a few months may not even leave your bedside and try to be there with you through it all... so, please do tell those friends you have how much you love and appreciate them.. because I learned it the hard way!

weekend break

after a long wait at home (and the hospital phase) I am off to cesme! with "my baby" for an amazing weekend... 


we are going to spend our weekend with amazing friends - Lala, MNU89, Deniku, and EceO .. precious people I have met, thanks to "my baby"... these people have been good friends to me, dear friends.. have supported me while I was in the hospital, like I was one of their own.. have been with me everyday through it all.. now, it is time to celebrate and have some fun.. so no posts from me during this weekend.. but I do plan to come back with some pictures and good memories to share.. 


Hope you all have an amazing weekend! 
Kisses!

dedikodu bulusmasi

her oturup sohbet ettigimizde, sohbetimiz bizi bugunden dunlere, sonrada gelecege 20 sene sonrasina, 30 sene sonrasina goturuyor.. her seferinde dunku cocuk halimize geri donuyoruz, sonra da hayal kurup gelecekteki bizler olmaya calisiyoruz.. Lala ile her bulusmamiz, yedigimiz brownie kadar tatli, icineki beyaz cikolata kadar da mukemmel geciyor.. ben kendimi inanilmaz rahat hissedip, icimi dokuyorum.. onun degisiylede dedikodu bulusmamiz hayatimizdaki anilarimizi ve isteklerimizi anlatmamiz ile devam ediyor.. 


icilen yesil cayin ve kahvenin sicakligi icimizi isitirken, sohbetimiz yuzumuzde gulucukler acmasina neden oluyor.. sohbetimiz oyle koyu ve dolu ki, bir yerden baslayip baska bir yerde bitiyor sohbetimiz.. bir insan ile baslayip, yuzlercesi giriyor isin icine.. basladigimiz noktayi hatirlayip geri donuyoruz, ama asla basladigimiz noktada olamiyoruz. 

friends

dunya donuyor

gunler oyle yada boyle geciyor derken, farkettim ki gercekten de geciyor.. cumartesi gunu, su an yattigim bu bembeyaz yataga yatmadan once 10 gunun nasil gecicegini, hayatimin nasil bir donem noktasinda oldugumu, nelerin degisecegini dusunmekten baska birsey yapamiyordum.. ama sanirim bunlarin hepsi, o minnacik beynimde gerceklesiyordu.. cunku cevremde, yatistirmam gereken, mutlu etmem gereken 100lerce insan vardi, birde aralarinda en sevdiklerim, en onemli olanlari..


hani gunler akip gidiyor derler ya, iste gercekten de akip gidiyor.. tatilde miyim? hayir.. zevkli bir yerde miyim? hayir.. eee peki kardesim zamana ne oluyor? hani zaman zevk aldiginda, dolu oldugunda akip giderdi.. benim gunlerim sabah 6bucukta basliyor, buyrun iste bu saatte ayaktayim hala.. 3 saat icerisinde gene kontrol var, sonra 6 gibi kan alimi ve tekrar yeni bir gun.. ama bunlari boyle anlatiyorum diye onemli ve yogun ve sikici sanmayin gunlerimi.. 


su birkac gunde ogrendigim o kadar cok sey var ki insanlar hakkinda.. kendim hakkimda.. ailem, dostlarim,  cevremdekiler hakkinda.. hergunum, yanimdan ayrilmayan ailem, erkek arkadasim, ve beni hergun farkli vakitlerde suprizlerle neselendirip ziyaret eden dostlarimla geciyor. isin garip kismi da ne derseniz, benim her zaman tek dilegim vardir hayattan - tek bir tane - mutlu olmak - ben mutluydum bu hafta.. uzgun degildim, depresyonda degildim, stresli hic degildim.. durmadan guluyordu gozum.. agzim, disim, dudaklarim.. kahkahalarim duyuluyordu.. dilegim gercekti bu hafta iste - mutluydum. mutluyum.


ne diyordum  - cok sey ogrendim.. gercektende ogrendim.. ve bu hafta icerisinde ogrendiklerim hep benimle kalacaklar.. benim bu hafta ogrendiklerimi, umarim ki siz, benim ogrenmem gereken bu yoldan cok farkli: pamuk sekerler icerisinde, elma sekerleri ellerinizde, sevdiginiz yaninizda, muzik kulaklarinizda, size guzel bir ani olacak sekilde ogrenirsiniz.. 

how does time pass in here?

no seriously.. life apparently starts early in a hospital.. you wake up around 6, 6:30. and your day begins. it does end early.. ends with the last visitor.. then the whole day comes upon you.. a feeling of tiredness, the weight of it all.. one thing that strikes me most is seeing how my mom changes.. my dad or "my baby" is the last one to leave usually.. and as soon as they are gone, I see her shoulders bend down, the weight of it all on her.. during the day, she stares at me.. never leaves my side.. looks right into my eyes, to see if I am feeling any pain, whether I am cheerful or tired, whether I am bored or just plain me.. 


days are going by.. one way or another.. but I have realized how wonderful my life is.. how grateful I shall be.. the friends I have in my life.. the friends my parents have.. seeing that I can rely on people to support me and my family when we need support, I think is one thing to be most thankful for. 


a day ends, as I said before, around the last rounds in the hospital, the last blood pressure, temperature check.. then it's time for mom and me to go to sleep.. like we are about to do in less than 20 mins.. 


good night and sleep tight.. and don't forget to be grateful to and for the ones you have beside you.. 

lit d'hôpital deux

The last 3 days have definitely not been my best, or my families.. the stress levels have taken their course, and have made us feel more tired then we were with our daily lives.. However, 3 days ago I made a decision! I decided that, during these 10 days that I am stuck in these 4 walls, I will be as positive as I can be, smile as much as I can, make people laugh, and embrace those that are around me. 


I feel so lucky. This might sound weird, coming from where I am right now, in a hospital bed, watching my tired mom sleep - because she wakes up before I do, gets ready for the busy day, and never leaves my side, to help me with everything.. - anyways.. I feel lucky because I have a family that is supportive of me and thinks of me, loves me, cherishes me, understands me.. that does not bore me with hospital jungle stuff and lets me be who I am.. my parents, my immediate family, aunt, cousin, grandma, and others.. everyone that has held my hand and has helped me and my parents! I am thankful for your prayers and your help.. 


I am so lucky to have "my baby"!!! I can not thank him enough! words are limited, my feelings aren't.. he has been with me and my family since the start. Has not left my side for a second - we push him away from the room so that he would go home and sleep.. but he comes back the first thing in the morning.. I am so lucky to have him on my side, holding my hand when I need him, and him making me laugh no matter what.. he is my strength! I am even more thankful to his parents, who have let him stay with me all day, everyday.. who have supported me and my parents in ways that I am not sure how to explain.. but I know one thing, today when I saw "my baby"s parents, I got this mixed feelings of joy, hope, and a little bit of cluster.. not sure what that cluster was, but I think it was their inner thought and feelings about seeing me in a hospital bed - which does not sadden me but makes me happy knowing they care about me.. 


I cannot thank my friends enough, they have not left me alone, those who call and those who visit.. I realized how much people I have in my life that are important to me.. seeing their faces, when I least expect it, them looking over me and trying to sympathize with me actually makes me feel I am really, incredibly lucky.. thank you to each and every single one of you!


3 days are almost over, now we are moving on to the next 7 - is that countdown correct, I am not sure? 
but days go on and soon we will be out of here.. And I will remember these 10 days as a time off , with the gratitude deep in my bones for those around me!

weekend getaway

me, "my baby" and our friends are getting away from Istanbul, just for a few days.. leaving on Friday and getting back Sunday night.. I am OK with that.. 2 days is better than none!

so here's my dream about this weekend!..

pics via weheart it, collages by me

office party

Yesterday we had an office party on our terrace... Even though we - "my baby" and I- didn't stay for long, we did have fun.. and as I heard later this morning, apparently right after we left, the party got so much more fun.. so, believe me when I say, we all are looking forward to the next party - oh, yes we are!

one love

 one love festival... 
2 days of music, beer and friends..