valentine’s day

we are so close to another valentine’s day.. there is no reason to put much meaning on this day if you ask me.. if you are with someone, if you do have that special someone in your life, everyday should feel like valentine’s day.. if not then your single status should feel the same as each other day.. it really should.. there is not much reason to be in extra love or to feel depressed due to your relationship status..
however.. due to valentine’s day I love seeing new products, designers being inspired by this “special” day..
and here is my recent finds..
I am loving Prada’s special Valentine’s day accessories.. aren’t you?


photos via highsnobette

paris vs. newyork

I have a business trip planed at the end of this month to Paris..quite excited for it to be honest.. I am a little heartbroken too, Paris was our next stop with “my baby” and I feel like I am betraying him by going without him..

I did a post about Paris vs. NewYork before.. and have posted some of the same images too.. However with recent developments, with booking my ticket and hotel, I feel like I need to share these with you again..

I do miss NY a lot.. I miss the rush the city has 24/7.. but I am also looking forward to sitting at a café and watching others while sipping my wine or coffee..

best boyfriend ever

I was sitting here thinking what I forgot to write about.. 

"my baby" of course.. 

During the time I have away form writing on "seeking happiness", my baby and I celebrated our 2 years together.. and as anniversaries go - we both got some gifts.. 

one of my gifts was a lust and a want I shared here on "seeking happiness"on Aug 24 - miu miu lusting post..

"my baby" bought me some bling bling shoes.. 

realization

I realized that I haven’t been involved in this blog as much as I used to, or wanted to.. I had let go for a while.. and felt the emptiness in me get bigger as days go by.. and now I just found a correlation between the emptiness and this blog.. as I move away from it, the emptiness gets bigger and bigger.. as I write more, I feel more fulfilled and joyful..

so what did we learn from this? that I have to write more and share more..

I do have to apologize, from you and from “seeking happiness” itself.. sorry I have been away.. and kept to myself – instead of sharing my life; whatever it may be..

from now on- things are going to change.. and I am hoping to be more involved and active in my “seeking happiness” journey!

what has happened in my life since I have been away – not much to be honest.. I guess that’s why I kept to myself and held myself from the happiness that I could have shared with you.. I don’t have much in my life that moves the butterflies in my stomach, nor anything that gives me a days worth of smiles and joy..

the only thing that I am looking forward to is my trip to the US, to Washington,DC – my hometown, to “my baby”..

and one more thing – to a possible new job that is on the horizon.. more details may come later.. maybe soon..

sleeping beauty

I can't believe how long it has been since I have spent time on my blog.. or even wrote something on a piece of paper just for the fun of it.. I guess a week or two.. I just was never able to spend time on my blog, for a while now..
I come from work, tired, more than ever.. I just don't get how my energy levels just drop down.. but as the doctor said today that, feeling tired, fatigue is normal in my case.. due to my condition.. it will get better.. with time.. 
the thing I hate most about this situation is that, it forces me to spend minimal times with "my baby" who is overseas.. 7 hour difference does not help.. and with the 7 hour difference we don't have much time to talk anyways.. but with me sleeping early than ever makes that minimal time, a more than minimal timeframe.. wonder what the word is for less than minimal?


anyways.. as you can see, again this post is a little about him too.. I miss him.. no matter what I say, what I do, how much I smile and act like everything is OK - I do miss him.. I miss my best friend. It hurts to be away - it hurts to not have him with me during my day, spend time with him. I hate wishing he is with me when something interesting/stupid/important happens.. It hurts to learn that I missed something that was fun/important/exciting.. it's hard.. but my only hope is that- it is time, and one thing time does well is to pass... 


I'm waiting.. and i will continue to wait.. until he comes back.. until he is here.. until then, I may act like a sleeping beauty.. who is writing this post, half asleep.. sorry if the sentences just don't make sense.. 
think of it as a sincere letter, to an imaginary friend.. 


I am thinking of watching sleeping beauty now.. 

left behind

 

arkanda bakanlari biraktin ve gittin bugun.. ben bakakaldim arkandan.. sirtini donup gittiginde, artik bende dondum ve yoluma baktim.. isime gittim.. calistim.. didindim.. zaman hic gecmek bilmedi bugun.. istedim ki aksam olsun, ucagin insin, sesini duyabileyim, yada bir mesaj alayim senden..

gidenin arkasindan bakmak ne zormus, bunu anliyorum her defasinda.. senelerce annemlerin cektigini yasamak zormus gercekten.. ben giderken laylaylom gidiyormusum megersem.. hic arkama bakmadan.. cok degisik bir duygu geride kalmak.. arkadan bakmak.. sevdigin kisinin gidisini izlemek..

biliyorum ki geri gelecek, bize birsey olmayacak, ama sanirim “yalniz” olmak en buyuk iskence bana suan.. gittigimiz yerler bana onu hatirlatirken, heryerde eski anilarimiz varken, onu yanimda istemekten baska bir sansim olmamasinin hayal kirikligi var kalbimde.. ama bilirim ki buda gecer, biz gene biz oluruz.. guclu dururuz.. yeter ki geri donus olsun.. kavuscagimiz gun olsun.. simdi yapmamiz gereken, yeni bir geri sayim, ve gelecegi gunu beklemek..

~~  ~~  ~~ ~~ ~~   ~~  ~~   ~~  ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~   ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~     ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~  ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~

it is hard to be the one left behind.. the one that looks behind a lover, a friend, a family member leave you behind and move on.. not moving on to be exact, as a breakup, but to move on to another place.. “my baby” left yesterday, he went back to the States, and now I am the one who is left behind, stated at the same place and trying to move on also..

I never understood how my parents felt when they were saying their goodbyes to me at the airport, while I was moving on and going to the States.. now I know, how heartbreaking that experience was for them.. me; not looking back, and them seeing me go.. how emotional and how disastrous is it to one’s heart, I understand it now.

I hate being left behind, I honestly do. I got used to having him around so much, that I feel incomplete now.. I don’t enjoy anything, everyplace brings up memories, every places serves as a reminder of him.. but as time passes, I know I will get used to being “alone”.. and I know that he will return.. so starting from now, we all will be starting to do a new countdown..

gozyasi mi dedin? yok caniim

bazen gozyaslari ne kadar da vurdum duymaz oluyorlar.. akma diyorsun akiyor gozlerinden.. gozlerini yuvarlasanda, yukari baksanda, gene de cikiyorlar bir turlu, sonra dur durak bilmeden yagmur gibi akiyorlar yanaklarindan asagiya.. bir bakiyorsun ki sen masada aglayan kiz oluyorsun.. kendini tutamiyorsun ne kadar cok istesende.. dinlemiyor ki gozyasi.. nerden geliyor hic bilmiyorum.. nerden geliyor onca su.. bereketli oluyor bir kizin gozleri, onu biliyorum bir tek..

bir kiz ister ki akmasin gozyaslari, ne nedenle olursa olsun.. erkegin onunde akmasin bari.. hele birde biliyorsa ki onun her gozyasiyla cocugun da ici acir.. hic istemez ki o goz pinari calissin ve yanaklari islansin.. ama oluyor iste.. insan soz dinletemiyor ki gozlerine.. olmayinca olmuyormus.. her kiz ogrenmistir bunu, bende ogrendim..

cok mutluyum hemde cok.. ama iste icim de buruk.. yolcu etmek zor geliyor, onsuz gececek zamani dusunmek zorluyor bu gozleri.. istemez miyim bende yuzumde gulucuklerle ugurlamak, icini rahat ettirmek.. biliyorum ki onun da akli kaliyor bende ama dedigim gibi olmayinca da olmuyor..

neyse artik, alisir yanaklarim islakliga ama gorunmez kimseciklere belki.. gecer zaman ve bir sonra ki gozyaslari onu gordugumde akar belki de.. “zamanla gecer dedi, zamanla zamanla..”

iyi yolculuklar demekten baska hic birsey kalmiyor bana, kendine iyi bak, derslerine calis.. duzgun beslen demekten baska ne diyebilir ki insan.. bir de..

seni seviyorum.

him

There are times when I think about him.. just about his laugh, about his lips.. about his eyes.. I just thing about the hair on his arms.. the details that make him.. the sound of his voice, how it changes when he is sad and when he is happy.. i like thinking about him.. it just puts a smile on my face.. lights my insides.. i feel happy and free.. I am deeply in love with the way he holds me, the way he touches me.. I am in love with the way he makes me feel, each time we talk,.. I am in love with the butterfliues I get when I am to see him.. I get butterflies after all this time.. he just makes me happy! I love putting my head on his shoulder and feeling safe; like no one in this world can touch us, nothing can brake us.. I am in love with his eyes, the way they look at me and see me.. who I am and what I want.. I love thinking about him day and night.

mini

gozlerinde neseyi de buldum huznu de.. seni buldum ben kendimde.. sende beni aradim bir sure.. bulamazsin dediler ama buldum.. ikimiz bir olduk.. bin olduk dunyaya karsi.. senleyken tektik bu dunyada.. kimse yok gibiydi etrafimizda.. gozlerinde kendimi buldum ben.. nasil hissettigimi yansittin hep, sende yasadin benimle ayni duygulari.. beraber yasadik icimizdekini, disimiza yansittik biz senle hep bizi..
bazen seni seviyorum dememe bile gerek kalmadi, cunku sen anlarsin hep bakisimdan icimden gecenleri.. sinirli oldugumu bilmezken kendim, sen soyleyince gelir aklima sinirim… yada yorgunlugumu anlarsin, sesimin kisilmasindan.. ben yorgun hissetmezken bile.. yada reddederken yorgunlugu kendimce..
iyi ki girdin hayatima.. en yakin arkadasim oldun bana.. elimden tuttun, hastayken yanimda oldun.. zorluklari atlattik, mutluluk yarattik her olayda, her saniye.. mutluluk bizim oldu..
biz bir olduk butun olduk mini.. seni cok seviyorum

weekend break

after a long wait at home (and the hospital phase) I am off to cesme! with "my baby" for an amazing weekend... 


we are going to spend our weekend with amazing friends - Lala, MNU89, Deniku, and EceO .. precious people I have met, thanks to "my baby"... these people have been good friends to me, dear friends.. have supported me while I was in the hospital, like I was one of their own.. have been with me everyday through it all.. now, it is time to celebrate and have some fun.. so no posts from me during this weekend.. but I do plan to come back with some pictures and good memories to share.. 


Hope you all have an amazing weekend! 
Kisses!

dunya donuyor

gunler oyle yada boyle geciyor derken, farkettim ki gercekten de geciyor.. cumartesi gunu, su an yattigim bu bembeyaz yataga yatmadan once 10 gunun nasil gecicegini, hayatimin nasil bir donem noktasinda oldugumu, nelerin degisecegini dusunmekten baska birsey yapamiyordum.. ama sanirim bunlarin hepsi, o minnacik beynimde gerceklesiyordu.. cunku cevremde, yatistirmam gereken, mutlu etmem gereken 100lerce insan vardi, birde aralarinda en sevdiklerim, en onemli olanlari..


hani gunler akip gidiyor derler ya, iste gercekten de akip gidiyor.. tatilde miyim? hayir.. zevkli bir yerde miyim? hayir.. eee peki kardesim zamana ne oluyor? hani zaman zevk aldiginda, dolu oldugunda akip giderdi.. benim gunlerim sabah 6bucukta basliyor, buyrun iste bu saatte ayaktayim hala.. 3 saat icerisinde gene kontrol var, sonra 6 gibi kan alimi ve tekrar yeni bir gun.. ama bunlari boyle anlatiyorum diye onemli ve yogun ve sikici sanmayin gunlerimi.. 


su birkac gunde ogrendigim o kadar cok sey var ki insanlar hakkinda.. kendim hakkimda.. ailem, dostlarim,  cevremdekiler hakkinda.. hergunum, yanimdan ayrilmayan ailem, erkek arkadasim, ve beni hergun farkli vakitlerde suprizlerle neselendirip ziyaret eden dostlarimla geciyor. isin garip kismi da ne derseniz, benim her zaman tek dilegim vardir hayattan - tek bir tane - mutlu olmak - ben mutluydum bu hafta.. uzgun degildim, depresyonda degildim, stresli hic degildim.. durmadan guluyordu gozum.. agzim, disim, dudaklarim.. kahkahalarim duyuluyordu.. dilegim gercekti bu hafta iste - mutluydum. mutluyum.


ne diyordum  - cok sey ogrendim.. gercektende ogrendim.. ve bu hafta icerisinde ogrendiklerim hep benimle kalacaklar.. benim bu hafta ogrendiklerimi, umarim ki siz, benim ogrenmem gereken bu yoldan cok farkli: pamuk sekerler icerisinde, elma sekerleri ellerinizde, sevdiginiz yaninizda, muzik kulaklarinizda, size guzel bir ani olacak sekilde ogrenirsiniz.. 

how does time pass in here?

no seriously.. life apparently starts early in a hospital.. you wake up around 6, 6:30. and your day begins. it does end early.. ends with the last visitor.. then the whole day comes upon you.. a feeling of tiredness, the weight of it all.. one thing that strikes me most is seeing how my mom changes.. my dad or "my baby" is the last one to leave usually.. and as soon as they are gone, I see her shoulders bend down, the weight of it all on her.. during the day, she stares at me.. never leaves my side.. looks right into my eyes, to see if I am feeling any pain, whether I am cheerful or tired, whether I am bored or just plain me.. 


days are going by.. one way or another.. but I have realized how wonderful my life is.. how grateful I shall be.. the friends I have in my life.. the friends my parents have.. seeing that I can rely on people to support me and my family when we need support, I think is one thing to be most thankful for. 


a day ends, as I said before, around the last rounds in the hospital, the last blood pressure, temperature check.. then it's time for mom and me to go to sleep.. like we are about to do in less than 20 mins.. 


good night and sleep tight.. and don't forget to be grateful to and for the ones you have beside you.. 

lit d'hôpital deux

The last 3 days have definitely not been my best, or my families.. the stress levels have taken their course, and have made us feel more tired then we were with our daily lives.. However, 3 days ago I made a decision! I decided that, during these 10 days that I am stuck in these 4 walls, I will be as positive as I can be, smile as much as I can, make people laugh, and embrace those that are around me. 


I feel so lucky. This might sound weird, coming from where I am right now, in a hospital bed, watching my tired mom sleep - because she wakes up before I do, gets ready for the busy day, and never leaves my side, to help me with everything.. - anyways.. I feel lucky because I have a family that is supportive of me and thinks of me, loves me, cherishes me, understands me.. that does not bore me with hospital jungle stuff and lets me be who I am.. my parents, my immediate family, aunt, cousin, grandma, and others.. everyone that has held my hand and has helped me and my parents! I am thankful for your prayers and your help.. 


I am so lucky to have "my baby"!!! I can not thank him enough! words are limited, my feelings aren't.. he has been with me and my family since the start. Has not left my side for a second - we push him away from the room so that he would go home and sleep.. but he comes back the first thing in the morning.. I am so lucky to have him on my side, holding my hand when I need him, and him making me laugh no matter what.. he is my strength! I am even more thankful to his parents, who have let him stay with me all day, everyday.. who have supported me and my parents in ways that I am not sure how to explain.. but I know one thing, today when I saw "my baby"s parents, I got this mixed feelings of joy, hope, and a little bit of cluster.. not sure what that cluster was, but I think it was their inner thought and feelings about seeing me in a hospital bed - which does not sadden me but makes me happy knowing they care about me.. 


I cannot thank my friends enough, they have not left me alone, those who call and those who visit.. I realized how much people I have in my life that are important to me.. seeing their faces, when I least expect it, them looking over me and trying to sympathize with me actually makes me feel I am really, incredibly lucky.. thank you to each and every single one of you!


3 days are almost over, now we are moving on to the next 7 - is that countdown correct, I am not sure? 
but days go on and soon we will be out of here.. And I will remember these 10 days as a time off , with the gratitude deep in my bones for those around me!

weekend getaway

me, "my baby" and our friends are getting away from Istanbul, just for a few days.. leaving on Friday and getting back Sunday night.. I am OK with that.. 2 days is better than none!

so here's my dream about this weekend!..

pics via weheart it, collages by me

office party

Yesterday we had an office party on our terrace... Even though we - "my baby" and I- didn't stay for long, we did have fun.. and as I heard later this morning, apparently right after we left, the party got so much more fun.. so, believe me when I say, we all are looking forward to the next party - oh, yes we are!

one love

 one love festival... 
2 days of music, beer and friends.. 

I wish....

do I even need to complete the sentence... but anyways.. I wish I was here right now, with "my baby", swinging on the hammock.. this place looks amazing, so romantic.. just energizing..

changes/glasses

OK, so here is what is happening in my life.. 

"my baby" is back.. and as you might see, I am so happy! happier than ever.. 

and, I am wearing glasses now.. 

what do you think? I actually think it suits "my baby" so much better.. 

and so it is.. I need to get used to wearing glasses now.. 

friend

By the time you make it to 1st grade, you learn how important friends are.. you learn that life is hard without friends.. first day of school you try to spot the person that you think you will be friends forever..
I'm sure many of you are like me.. I have friends I have known all my life.. I have lots contact with some.. time does that.. and then there are those who come into our lives when you are all grown up.. those who have lived and who have been hurt.. who can appreciate real friends and friendships.. so this post goes out to all of my friends.. who I have met, one time or another.. who are in my life now.. and those who are not - for what reason it may be.. I cherish your friendship and the memories you have given me, and those that we will form together.

Derin - specifically you.. this post goes out to you!
Thank you for being my friend, being my brother, being in my life.. and always and always listening to me.. no matter what.. and thank you for loving me the way you do.. :) I love you too...


P.S - "my baby" is coming home.. he will land in 2 hours, so you can guess my excitement..

4 more days

I am back to counting days.. we are at day 4.. 4 more days until “my baby” is back in Istanbul.. 4 more days until I can see him, touch him, feel him next to me.. 4 more days I have to keep it cool, act normal and live the life I am getting used to live.. but after the 4 days, I will wear my pretty dress and get ready to welcome “my baby”.

During our experience away from each other I realized the potential of bonding; long distance relationship has given us. First I was afraid, I was petrified.. I was really scared that we weren’t going to make it thru. However as time passed, things got easier, we both realized the love in between and mostly the trust we have for each other.. that made things easier. Yes, it is hard.. to be away from your loved one, from your best friend. But I believe this long distance thing has made us stronger.

If you are going into a long distance relationship there are points which you should be ready to accept.. like we did. The thing is we spent 24 hours together for the most of our relationship, from the start, until the day I had to move back to Turkey for work. Until then we had never thought about the future, of the consequences of our relationship. But once it was time for me to come to Turkey, the truth came out. You have to accept that nothing will be the same again. Not the converstations, not the interaction, the intimacy, the friendship or the relationship. It becomes another step in your life, it becomes something else. The first week away seems to be the toughest, but for me I think it was the easiest. Because before you leave eachothers side, you play in your mind the sadness you will feel once that you are away. And that actually makes it easier. But then comes the 2nd week away, and then things get tough. You are faced with the truth. If you can make it without any fights or disagreements then believe me a month away, or 6 months away passes quickly. Then comes the time for you to be together. Once you begin the countdown, the last week is the hardest. Because you know there are only a few days in between you and your "baby" to meet again, to be together, the same again. You wait, you wait. the day comes.. the day that you feel you will see fireworks, and magical dinner conversations.. that does not happen. Yes, you probably will have butterflies, and feel like the fireworks are popping inside of you, but believe me there are non when you go to see him. It just depends on you. I actually feel like I am in "love actually" the movie, the airport scene.. I love that scene.. I believe that each first time I see him, we are in that movie. I will be lying if I said it's not magical. Everything is magical when I am with him. the simplest conversation is magical, but I guess that's what love is.. all magic.

So, what ever I was saying, just bla bla.. the thing is "my baby" is coming home.. and I can not wait any longer to have him, here with me for 2 months.. I can't wait for him to be close to me.. I just can't wait... 4 more days..