happy birthday Daddy

I want to tell you many things.. yet no email, no dinner, no conversation and no hug&kisses can help me to tell you.. However I will try..

Daddy,

You are the strongest person I have known in my life.. yet you have the heart of a 3 year old boy – that runs around and gives hugs to strangers..

You are the first person I have loved.. as a huge and old girl, I love the fact that I can still come over and sit on your lap..

---

-Daddy daddy I wanna icecream!

-You don’t want an icecream you want a big smash on you’re a**!

---

Daddy,

I know sometimes life is hard and not easy.. I know that life brings us lemons, so we have to make lemonades out of them..

Daddy,

Let’s make the best lemonades out of them..

---

Do you need anybody?
I need somebody to love.
Could it be anybody?
I want somebody to love.

---

I know we have been through much.. even thou I have been with you for only 24 years out of your amazing 56 years of experience.. yet believe me those 24 years were amazing for me – just to have you and mommy in my life is always enough for me.. oh! And also DiDi…

We all went through hard times, sickness, economic business and whatever life may bring on.. yet all these made us stronger.. we learned to appreciate life better.. to enjoy it..

After this summer and after the whole MS thing – I learned why you always smile, and try not to get stuck on the “small” things.. life is too short..

There is no need to get held on things that won’t matter tomorrow.. cause there is only a few things that do matter tomorrow..

You, mommy and me.. our happiness and our health.. being together.. being together.. that’s all that matters.. "Ask yourself this question: Will this matter a year from now? "

---

Jumping jack flash, it's a gas

---

Daddy,

I am so lucky to have you in my life.. to have you as my dad but also to have you as my best friend..

I love the fact that I can come over and talk to you about anything.. girl business, about boys, about work.. about happiness..

Just about life..

Thank you daddy for being who you are, thank you for being you.. and thank you for loving us the way you do..

I love the memories I have with you and can’t wait for the new ones…

I love you! Happy birthday Dad.. it’s amazing to have you in our lives..

guvercin

guvercinler kondu balkonumuza... sabah kahvaltisindan sonra bir baktik ki, bir guvercinimiz olmus, gelmis konmus masamiza.. ne kadar narin, ne kadar tombik anlatamam.. gogsunu kabartmis, kafasini kistirmis oturuyor masamizda. davetsiz misafirimiz hicte korkmadi bizden, urkmedi. Anneannem yanina kadar gitti, poz verdi.. elleriyle besledi... biz tombik durusu nedeniyle dedik ki heralde yumurtalamak icin yuva ariyor.. ama megersem o kucuk guvercin hicte sisko degilmis.  tam tersine inanilmaz ac ve susuzmus. yolunu kaybetmis ve bize siginmis. simdi guvercinimizi besliyoruz.. kendine gelene kadar ona bakilcak, ondan sonra dogaya geri birakilcak.. 

countdown is on!

last night in the hospital!!.. oh, how I waited for this day to come.. when we first were packing to come to the hospital, I thought these 10 days were never going to end.. now, me and mom just packed all our clothes, all my books, DVD's and other stuff, and are ready for the morning... 


tomorrow morning will be like any other - that I have spent in here.. 6:30am wake-up with a blood drive, then breakfast, and then the medication.. but once all that is done- it will be time for check out! and I am hoping mom will take care of it ASAP ! 


I miss my home.. my view.. my bed.. my DiDi.. oh, I miss my DiDi so much.. I can not wait to hold her in my arms and just squeeze her until she cries for help.. I don't think I will let her go. 


so now that I am moving back home (once again in my life), there are going to be some changes to be made.. 


for me to be living a better life, and trying not to get back to this situation again, there are things I should be taking care of, but as life is life - one can never be sure and prepare enough... 


but as the countdown goes, and time flies.. here are some of my To-Do's from now on! 
(I hope to do these - I am so in the mood of doing them right now and I am hoping that the list will become a part of my life!)

see you tomorrow from home.. 

dunya donuyor

gunler oyle yada boyle geciyor derken, farkettim ki gercekten de geciyor.. cumartesi gunu, su an yattigim bu bembeyaz yataga yatmadan once 10 gunun nasil gecicegini, hayatimin nasil bir donem noktasinda oldugumu, nelerin degisecegini dusunmekten baska birsey yapamiyordum.. ama sanirim bunlarin hepsi, o minnacik beynimde gerceklesiyordu.. cunku cevremde, yatistirmam gereken, mutlu etmem gereken 100lerce insan vardi, birde aralarinda en sevdiklerim, en onemli olanlari..


hani gunler akip gidiyor derler ya, iste gercekten de akip gidiyor.. tatilde miyim? hayir.. zevkli bir yerde miyim? hayir.. eee peki kardesim zamana ne oluyor? hani zaman zevk aldiginda, dolu oldugunda akip giderdi.. benim gunlerim sabah 6bucukta basliyor, buyrun iste bu saatte ayaktayim hala.. 3 saat icerisinde gene kontrol var, sonra 6 gibi kan alimi ve tekrar yeni bir gun.. ama bunlari boyle anlatiyorum diye onemli ve yogun ve sikici sanmayin gunlerimi.. 


su birkac gunde ogrendigim o kadar cok sey var ki insanlar hakkinda.. kendim hakkimda.. ailem, dostlarim,  cevremdekiler hakkinda.. hergunum, yanimdan ayrilmayan ailem, erkek arkadasim, ve beni hergun farkli vakitlerde suprizlerle neselendirip ziyaret eden dostlarimla geciyor. isin garip kismi da ne derseniz, benim her zaman tek dilegim vardir hayattan - tek bir tane - mutlu olmak - ben mutluydum bu hafta.. uzgun degildim, depresyonda degildim, stresli hic degildim.. durmadan guluyordu gozum.. agzim, disim, dudaklarim.. kahkahalarim duyuluyordu.. dilegim gercekti bu hafta iste - mutluydum. mutluyum.


ne diyordum  - cok sey ogrendim.. gercektende ogrendim.. ve bu hafta icerisinde ogrendiklerim hep benimle kalacaklar.. benim bu hafta ogrendiklerimi, umarim ki siz, benim ogrenmem gereken bu yoldan cok farkli: pamuk sekerler icerisinde, elma sekerleri ellerinizde, sevdiginiz yaninizda, muzik kulaklarinizda, size guzel bir ani olacak sekilde ogrenirsiniz.. 

how does time pass in here?

no seriously.. life apparently starts early in a hospital.. you wake up around 6, 6:30. and your day begins. it does end early.. ends with the last visitor.. then the whole day comes upon you.. a feeling of tiredness, the weight of it all.. one thing that strikes me most is seeing how my mom changes.. my dad or "my baby" is the last one to leave usually.. and as soon as they are gone, I see her shoulders bend down, the weight of it all on her.. during the day, she stares at me.. never leaves my side.. looks right into my eyes, to see if I am feeling any pain, whether I am cheerful or tired, whether I am bored or just plain me.. 


days are going by.. one way or another.. but I have realized how wonderful my life is.. how grateful I shall be.. the friends I have in my life.. the friends my parents have.. seeing that I can rely on people to support me and my family when we need support, I think is one thing to be most thankful for. 


a day ends, as I said before, around the last rounds in the hospital, the last blood pressure, temperature check.. then it's time for mom and me to go to sleep.. like we are about to do in less than 20 mins.. 


good night and sleep tight.. and don't forget to be grateful to and for the ones you have beside you.. 

lit d'hôpital deux

The last 3 days have definitely not been my best, or my families.. the stress levels have taken their course, and have made us feel more tired then we were with our daily lives.. However, 3 days ago I made a decision! I decided that, during these 10 days that I am stuck in these 4 walls, I will be as positive as I can be, smile as much as I can, make people laugh, and embrace those that are around me. 


I feel so lucky. This might sound weird, coming from where I am right now, in a hospital bed, watching my tired mom sleep - because she wakes up before I do, gets ready for the busy day, and never leaves my side, to help me with everything.. - anyways.. I feel lucky because I have a family that is supportive of me and thinks of me, loves me, cherishes me, understands me.. that does not bore me with hospital jungle stuff and lets me be who I am.. my parents, my immediate family, aunt, cousin, grandma, and others.. everyone that has held my hand and has helped me and my parents! I am thankful for your prayers and your help.. 


I am so lucky to have "my baby"!!! I can not thank him enough! words are limited, my feelings aren't.. he has been with me and my family since the start. Has not left my side for a second - we push him away from the room so that he would go home and sleep.. but he comes back the first thing in the morning.. I am so lucky to have him on my side, holding my hand when I need him, and him making me laugh no matter what.. he is my strength! I am even more thankful to his parents, who have let him stay with me all day, everyday.. who have supported me and my parents in ways that I am not sure how to explain.. but I know one thing, today when I saw "my baby"s parents, I got this mixed feelings of joy, hope, and a little bit of cluster.. not sure what that cluster was, but I think it was their inner thought and feelings about seeing me in a hospital bed - which does not sadden me but makes me happy knowing they care about me.. 


I cannot thank my friends enough, they have not left me alone, those who call and those who visit.. I realized how much people I have in my life that are important to me.. seeing their faces, when I least expect it, them looking over me and trying to sympathize with me actually makes me feel I am really, incredibly lucky.. thank you to each and every single one of you!


3 days are almost over, now we are moving on to the next 7 - is that countdown correct, I am not sure? 
but days go on and soon we will be out of here.. And I will remember these 10 days as a time off , with the gratitude deep in my bones for those around me!

hipster Disney beauties

HA HA!

graduation*

all my bags are packed, I'm ready to go

I have been singing this song constantly today, due to the fact that I am leaving tomorrow morning.. for DC.. I am more then excited.. I just packed.. I still am not done.. I am sitting in a pile of socks and make-up and tech gadgets.. So once you realize the 3 piles I told you are completely irrelevant to one another, you might understand why it is taking me so long to finish.. 

Cause I'm leaving on a jet plane..

What have I packed? Everything!!!!

I do not care.. A girl graduates only once..

and I am going to see my friends, and of course "my baby".. 

So I just can't decide what I am going to be wearing the next 10 days.. 

so I got everything.. 

Thinking the weather would be nice (hopefully - for a change after the rain in Istanbul), I packed lots of dresses.. all flowery summer dresses, tiny, mini dresses, and short, and t-shirts.. and no coats! 

I do not want to wear a coat on May - I am protesting Global Warming in some way!

Ladies and Gentelman.. 

due to the fact that I will be in DC and with friends and "my baby", 

I might not be, and I believe that I will not be the best blogger for a while.. 

I will try to do my best.. but please do not hold your breath until I come back.. 

Until next time.. take care.. 

and if you are in DC let me know.. 

I am loved / seviliyorum!

deep pain / acimiz buyuk

After his long battle with alzheimer's and the consequences of the monster, we lost my grandpa this friday..
it was like I knew something was coming, something deep, hurtful.. something painful.. I never thought it would be losing him.. I never imagined a life without him.. but now its time to get used to the pain.. now is the time to recover.. and to stick together as a family..

one understands how short life can be.. how hard and painful it might get.. and the importance of family, friends, relatives.. importance to live life, enjoy it and not take it for granted.. life isn't all about accomplishments, or awards, or money.. it's about how much you laughed, how much happiness you gave to others.. life is short.. so please do live it to the fullest!

---
Cuma günü canim dedemi kaybettik.. uzun zamandir Alzheimer ile savasiyordu kendisi.. ve hastaligin getirdigi komplikasyonlar son bir aydir kendisini cok yordu.. daha fala direnemedi canim dedem. hep guclu, hep guler yuzlu olan dedemi kaybetmenin acisiyla, yasamimizin ne kadar kisa ve anlamsiz olabilecegini farkettim.. hergun yaptiklarimizin ileride bize nasil yansiyabilecegini.. cenazesinde acimizi bizimle paylasanlar arasinda, harp okulundan sinif arkadaslari vardi.. herbiri dedemi hic tanimadigimiz yonleriyle anlattilar bizlere.. ailesi vardi.. binbiryerden onu son kez ugurlamaya gelen ailemiz.. aile arkadaslarimiz vardi.. gucsuz oldugumuzda bizi elimizden tutan, sirtimizi yasladiklarimiz..
hayatin ne kadar kisa olabilcegini bir kez daha anladim bu haftasonu.. arkadasliklarin ve ailenin onemini. kahkalarin neler yaratabilecegi. mutlulugun onemini ve getirilerini. yasam cok kisa.. lutfen hergunu mutlulukla yasamaya calisin!

another last night affair

yet another Last Night in Istanbul, yet another Last Night to spend with parents for a while.. 

yet another Last Night affair.. 

however, things are different now..

I am not packing like crazy, putting everything I will miss in my luggage.. 

Instead I am putting small luggages into bigger ones, using space and just taking 2 skinny jeans and maybe a sweater.. yes, that is it!

how come? 

I believe more of you know that I am moving back to Istanbul than any of my friends' do. 

none of them do except for Ali and a couple of girl friends and ofcourse "my baby" and our friends.. 

but from DC: none!

I feel really weird.. I feel not as myself today.. because I don't have that feeling I usually have when I go to the states.. 

I am not anxious.. I am not rushing from one room to another.. I am just plain.. 

Plain doing nothing.. and writing a post.. 

I look at my saying goodbye post from last August.. a post about yet another last night in Istanbul.. 

things are different.. I believe you can feel the difference even in my words.. 

little girl is big girl

2 minutes ago, my mom called me downstairs..

even though she knows I don't have the energy to walk downstairs (I stayed home all day today because I got the cold)

but when I came down I saw what was waiting for me.. 

my mom and dad, standing next to the table, in the middle of the living room.. 

she had a small plate in her hand.. 

and she was singing this uncoordinated song that she made up, in place of a happy birthday song.. 

little girl is big girl, little girl is big girl

she went on until I got the candle to stop burning.. (magic candle- mom laughed so hard)

she liked the idea that I got plenty of wishes.. 

If you are asking what this chocolate macaroon and the candle is for? 

I got a job!

Remember the meeting I told you about before? 

Well, I got the call today confirming that I am good to go.. 

I guess mom is right? little girl is big girl.. 

I never realized I grew up until these past weeks..

2011 is here

on the 2nd day of a new year, I feel sad that I do not have much to write about or much to say.. 

you know how when we all have this pack of wishes, health, happiness, money bla and bla..

we only know the reality and the real importance of those wishes when we really need them to happen..

On January 1st, 2011 around midnight my grandfather was taken to the hospital. My family welcomed 2011 either on their way to the hospital or celebrated it without the knowledge of the situation and ended up there anyways..

so what I was meaning to say is that, 

I hope 2011 turns out to be better for each and everyone of us.. 

with growing older we learn more pain and various responsibilities that come with a burden.. 

I hope that, even this may sound cliche, we all find happiness this year. 

I wish health and prosperity to all of you.. I wish you happy memories with your loved ones.. 

and this is my first 2011 post! 

new year resolutions..

as hours left to starting a new year.. 2011.. I have to make some new year resolutions like everyone else..

I am going thru some changes in my life..

some possible space and time differences are going to be in my life..

(a change of city, continent to even make it more obvious to you)

I might not be in the states after February and may move back to Istanbul due to my recent graduation and the need of work..

so my new years resolutions are guided by my mixed feelings and confused mind.. so please bare with me.. 

1. Happiness

I want the happiness I felt all year and more if possible around me and my loved ones..

I want to be able to smile everyday, laugh and enjoy life..

and never forget that:

2.Love

I want to continue to be in love, stay in love and have ''my baby'' be in love with me too..

I wish to see more couples around, more love in the air..

I want to make myself and him happy..

3. Weight/Health

My recent gain weght is causing me problems.. I do not feel healthy.. I just feel heavy..

I want to loose all the weight that I have gained.. and be more fit and healthy than ever..

4. Success

either with my possible new job or somethişng else, I want to be successful.. I want to make myself proud.. I want to make my parents proud..
I believe this is going to be my life with an extra ''my baby'' thoughts in it..

5.Seeking Happiness

I want to inspired and continue to be inspired of my fellow bloggers..

I wish I could reach more followers and have more comments on this blog..

I wish to find my own voice and never be afraid to use it!

6.Flowers

I want to have flowers in my room everyday.. I want to smell the freshness, the life out of them..

I want to feel like butterflies

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERY ONE!

I HOPE WE ALL HAVE A MORE PEACEFUL YEAR, FILLED WITH LOVE, JOY AND LAUGHTER..

in between

when ever I come back to istanbul.. i live this in between life..

i am with family one second

and then with some friends

i am with family more family, then its all about the friends..

since we came back, 

we spent a lot of time with family - since we miss them so much..

and the last 2 days has been about spending time with friends.. 

enjoying their company, since they are missed much too..

not much photos are taken- which makes me sad to be honest!

hopefully there will be more to come.. 

Peanuts evolution

december and so on..

can't believe december is here.. how fast has time passed?

how fast is time passing? 

i can not believe this is my last month as an undergraduate!

i can not believe 

i am graduating..

how can it be? 

after all the sleepless nights, the stress, the tears, 

the years away from home.. that certain time has come.. 

i am graduating..

never expected it to be this soon.. it always seemed so far away..

after all the friendships spent, all the new friends made.. 

all the betrayals, all the help, all the smiles and the cupcakes..

the one and only love found ("my baby")..

the separation from family..

i am graduating..

{in a month.. }

a day in georgetown

last day, a family day..

i really love the outfit i wore yesterday.. each item is special to me

the scarf i have on is DVF- it is my friends design, made for the ISTANBUL store 

my aviator coat

and my new men's rag&bone bag

and my gorgeous rayban sunglasses

time to say goodbye..

after counting days for when they will arrive, 

I cannot believe time has come to say good bye to my parents..

an amazing 2 weeks have passed..

{filled with late nights in our library because i spent the day with them 

and had a 20 page paper}

days filled with shopping.. 

{yes, thank you mom}

and laughter.. 

some photos of a night out all together:

let me introduce everyone: from left to right:

artun, ugur, ozbey, me, mom and dad