bazen..

gitmek gerekiyor bazen.. karsindakini, yanindakini kendinden biktirmadan, yildirmadan.. uzmeden, kirmadan.. yasanmistir anilariniz.. hep ani olarak kalabilmeleri icin, bazen tek cikis noktasi, gitmek oluyor, baska yolu kalmiyor..

gitmek gerekiyor bazen.. kirmamak icin.. hani bikmamak icin.. yasiyorsun ya yasadiklarini.. onlara olan saygin icin.. kirletmemek icin.. nefret etmemek icin.. kosmak, kacmak, yok olmak degil.. sadece gitmek gerekiyor bazen.. yasanani keyfiyle birakmak icin..

kosultsuz sartsiz sevmek.. yasamak.. bilmek.. benimsemek.. onun icin gitmek gerekiyor bazen.. o sevgiyi, yasamisligi, bilmisligi, benimsemeyi.. icinde kaybetmemek icin..

change

change happens so quick in life.. one second makes a difference as does the time frame of a year..
so much happens in 1 year that is made up of all the seconds that make up a minute..

One has no option other than to comply with the change brought upon them.. there is no street that will make the road shorter nor a door to exit from..

think of this last week.. I am sure you had seconds that changed your whole day.. a comment made in the morning that made you smile, a women who walked in front of you suddenly while driving that made you startle.. of just a headache that got you to sleep and missed your favorite TV show...

I know these are not huge changes in ones life.. but what I am trying to get at is.. a minute counts in life.. you never know what might happen in just a second..
change is how life progresses.. how we move forward..
if there wasn't any change in our lives we would be stuck.. frozen..

motivation

I went to a 2 day training with fellow colleagues.. it was plain amazing.. before going no matter how much I tried not to be, I was still cynical about it. Not knowing what to expect got thousands of questions in my mind..

yet.. believe me, those 2 days- as I said- were amazing.. I learned so much new stuff about myself, and about others.. I learned of new ways to know people – a certain way that you usually don’t think much about..

One of the highlights of the event was about “getting out of your comfort zone” and getting into what we call the “growth and learning zone”.. trying to move ahead and not stay in the same place more than a while..

another highlight was about Energy and Attitude.. Positive and Negative Attitude, High and Low Energy.. which of the 2 classifications would you see yourself in?

do you have a positive attitude and a high energy? or you do have a negative attitude and a high energy? or you are negative and have low energy? etc etc.. you get my drift right?

So about this whole attitude and energy thing – I tried to find a place for myself.. and got to question myself even further.. I do have high energy and positive attitude most of the time.. but as life goes, one is never always that happy (not sure if happy is the right word but still).. there are days when I do not have the energy to move a finger yet I have this amazingly pink view of the world. But when I asked others, they said I usually am this positive attitude and high energy person, with a smile on her face no matter what.. which made my day.. I appreciated the fact that other people see me as such.. what a relief!

If you do have the chance to attend such seminars, events, motivational activities about teambuilding, or knowing yourself.. do attend them! keep an open mind about what might you hear, and what might be coming your way.. because what is being delivered to you is not something you are not aware of, but something that is useful to hear from someone else to settle in your mind…

I hope you have an amazing Thursday as I plan mine to be one.. as much as any other day..

May happiness be with you..

hectic but exciting

these past weeks have been hectic.. not bad but hectic in some sense…

I have a lot to share – I kept myself from writing much, but will talk now..

I went through a role change in our company.. these are really exciting times for me.. I am energized and I am looking forward to what ever is to come my way.. I know there are tons of challenges that I need to overcome, however instead of these challenges bothering me – I am letting them energize and motivate me.. (one has to find new ways to motivate themselves to survive in such an unstable world)..

each day I am learning more and more about myself and the company I work for.. I am learning more about people, from those who work around me, from those I interact with and those whom I only watch from far far away…

Last week, Monday was my start date in my new role.. so that’s workwise blabbing..

the week before, we had Eid here in Turkey, so I packed my bags and went to the States to see “my baby”, my parents tagged along.. it was such an amazing time.. I hated that I had only a week to be with him but still, time is precious and time spent with him is priceless..

and you know what, when I left to come back home, I counted the days till the next time I would see him, it was only 5 weeks.. not bad I thought to myself..

last week Friday, he popped out of no where – he came to Turkey, for thanksgiving and surprised me! I have such an amazing boyfriend! I love him, just the way he is.. I do I do.. I do love him..

so life wise.. what else.. not much actually.. I am consumed by love and work.. which is fine for me, just the way I imagined my life when I was 10 years old – I guess..

I realized one thing about myself, which I really liked.. no matter what might come my way, I realized that I look forward to the next day.. or the next hectic day that might come.. because you do not grow out of ‘just’ happiness.. you need that hectic-city to let you grow and mature away.. true? so true!

HAVE A HECTIC but EXCITING DAY, week, month, life …

holding onto myself

 

I try to hold on to myself, my inner child, my own beliefs and my inner music..

I try to hold on to myself, protecting that inner child from all the bad that comes from outside, all the growing up needed to survive in this world, and all the growing up that kills the happiness with in me.

I try to hold on to myself, my own beliefs.. that gut feeling of right and wrong, the “love-li-hood” that lives within, the arrow that guides me, in this cruel world.

I try to hold on to myself, to my inner music.. the tune that keeps my feet twitching in meetings, the rhythm my body moves in, the rhythm of my steps while I walk.. the music that gets me out of bed even during the grey days..

I try to hold on to myself, never let go.. holding it down from a cliff and trying to never let it slip from my hands.. but the grease that this life has put onto my body, the wind that’s trying to blow us over, and the light that shuts my eyes and keeps them from seeing makes it harder each day..

But I am holding onto myself, trying to never let go and trying to survive..

realization

I realized that I haven’t been involved in this blog as much as I used to, or wanted to.. I had let go for a while.. and felt the emptiness in me get bigger as days go by.. and now I just found a correlation between the emptiness and this blog.. as I move away from it, the emptiness gets bigger and bigger.. as I write more, I feel more fulfilled and joyful..

so what did we learn from this? that I have to write more and share more..

I do have to apologize, from you and from “seeking happiness” itself.. sorry I have been away.. and kept to myself – instead of sharing my life; whatever it may be..

from now on- things are going to change.. and I am hoping to be more involved and active in my “seeking happiness” journey!

what has happened in my life since I have been away – not much to be honest.. I guess that’s why I kept to myself and held myself from the happiness that I could have shared with you.. I don’t have much in my life that moves the butterflies in my stomach, nor anything that gives me a days worth of smiles and joy..

the only thing that I am looking forward to is my trip to the US, to Washington,DC – my hometown, to “my baby”..

and one more thing – to a possible new job that is on the horizon.. more details may come later.. maybe soon..

sleeping beauty

I can't believe how long it has been since I have spent time on my blog.. or even wrote something on a piece of paper just for the fun of it.. I guess a week or two.. I just was never able to spend time on my blog, for a while now..
I come from work, tired, more than ever.. I just don't get how my energy levels just drop down.. but as the doctor said today that, feeling tired, fatigue is normal in my case.. due to my condition.. it will get better.. with time.. 
the thing I hate most about this situation is that, it forces me to spend minimal times with "my baby" who is overseas.. 7 hour difference does not help.. and with the 7 hour difference we don't have much time to talk anyways.. but with me sleeping early than ever makes that minimal time, a more than minimal timeframe.. wonder what the word is for less than minimal?


anyways.. as you can see, again this post is a little about him too.. I miss him.. no matter what I say, what I do, how much I smile and act like everything is OK - I do miss him.. I miss my best friend. It hurts to be away - it hurts to not have him with me during my day, spend time with him. I hate wishing he is with me when something interesting/stupid/important happens.. It hurts to learn that I missed something that was fun/important/exciting.. it's hard.. but my only hope is that- it is time, and one thing time does well is to pass... 


I'm waiting.. and i will continue to wait.. until he comes back.. until he is here.. until then, I may act like a sleeping beauty.. who is writing this post, half asleep.. sorry if the sentences just don't make sense.. 
think of it as a sincere letter, to an imaginary friend.. 


I am thinking of watching sleeping beauty now.. 

price of style

 

I adore looking at Sartariolist, Vogue, WhoWhatWear and other sites and blogs for fashion inspiration. And when I share my admiration with some friends there is the common idea that, those gorgeous women and men, spend money on their looks; the garments they are wearing. However, I believe it is not just how much money they are spending on their closet that makes them look that amazing and inspirational. there is something else!

You can spend $1000 on a top and still look ridiculously awful, we see those kind of women and men everyday. If you don’t have style, the garment you are wearing will not save you. Imagine a wedding: everyone spends tons of money on their dresses, hair, make-up.. dresses especially. Why? Because they want to experience the glam for the time being. Try to remember the last wedding you were at.. gorgeous women right.. handsome men.. now try to remember the details, those you forgot.. or thought/wished you did. Do you remember that lady that wore the most expensive dress but looked no funnier than a clown?

I do. That look had nothing to do about the dress, the dress itself was amazing and would probably have looked amazing on another person. However the lady that wore it, was not part of the look itself. She did not know how to carry the dress, how to accessorize it, how to move in it.

That explains my point.. but lets dwell a little bit more shall we?

Think of your office now, or classroom.. look around you.. think of the dinner you had yesterday with your special someone, and re-imagine the people around you.

I am sure there were those ladies and gents that caught your eye because they looked sleek and polished. But think about those who looked gruesome… got it?

Lets take a man as an example now. A suit, a shirt, pair of jeans, shoes etc.. imagine your handsome, groomed men.. now imagine another man in his garments.. you shouldn’t have the same image twice in your mind now. Those two men should be looking completely different in the same clothing choice.. why? Because they are different themselves. Their body types, their looks, their self image.

Two men should not look alike, as shall two women should not.

I know those who spend money on 10 pieces that others might spend the same amount on just 1 piece. But the thing is they both have different tastes, they carry their garments, pair them ,accessorize them in different ways.

An T by Alexander would look completely different with a sequined blazer and a pair of leggings on one, than a T by Alexander shirt with leggings. Two of the same garments, but one look with an extra gist. Get my rhythm?

I do agree that spending money on expensive clothes has its pros. The garment, the cut, the sewing might be more reliable and detailed. But that still does not mean it gives the women or men their astonishing look.

One thing I try to do myself and tell others is; get to know yourself, your body. Your own pros and cons. Know what suits you. What you feel comfortable in. May it be high heals or just Toms slippers, know it an build around it. Don’t try to be or look like someone else. You never will be the same. Appreciate the fact that you will never be the same with someone else, as being different should matter more. (there are too many people trying to look the same, or like someone else – be different!) No matter how much your clothes have cost you, whether $800 or $5, the way you feel is what’s important!

Style comes within.. get inspired but don’t be a copycat! try to be happy

feeling a little blue, and imagining a little purple

 

sometimes it feels good to make no sense, even though you might be feeling blue.. even though you might be wishing the world was all purple..

sometimes it makes much more sense to imagine yourself in a cloud, sleeping on it, looking over the world, over those people who seem like ants to you, those problems that made you cry seem to not exist..

sometimes, being crazy has its benefits – believe me! you can step back, and look at a situation in a totally new way, which instead of making you sad then gets you to be happy and appreciate the life you’ve got. not much people can do that, if you can , hold on to it, hug it out!

if you can’t be crazy once in a while, surround yourself with people who can do it, who can become as crazy as you wish you were.. and they will make your world purple, or pink, or just a rainbow.

sen nasil bir asiksin hic dusundun mu?

 

sen nasil bir asiksin hic dusundun mu? yasadigin ask aslinda karakterinin yansimasidir. sadece seninkinin degil tabii ki, ikinizin karisiminin.. kiskanc isen ona gore yasarsin askini, boynun egikse ona gore.. sadece evet diyenlerdensen ayri bir askin olur kendi fikrini soylemekten cekinmeyenden..

karekterin degismez mi? degisir tabii ki.. yasadigin ask degistirebilir askini.. kiskancliklarindan vazgecebilirsin, yada tam tersine seni daha kiskanc yapabilir karsindaki.. mutlu bir insanken, depresyoniklerden de olabilirsin.. yada tam tersi iste..

aldatir misin, yoksa aldatilan misin? yada belki hicbirisin. hic olmamis olabilirsin, gecmiste yapmis olabilirsin. gelmisin gecmisin karismistir belki birbirine.. yada hic girmemistir hayatina oyleleri.. yeminin vardir, ben yapmam dersin, ama kimya uyusmasi yaptirmistir belkide.. yada aldatilmissindir iste, karsidakinin kimyagerliginin etkisiyle..

karakterin aska karisir, senin o zamanki halini yansitir.. geriye baktiginda ne gordugun onemlidir.. yasadigindan memnun musun? degisimin senin icin iyi mi oldu yoksa kotu mu?

sanirim ki butun bu sorularin cevabi aslinda bir insanin icinde gizli.. ara sira ciksa da ortaya ruh hali, gene de kendinden baskasi tam olarak anlamiyor karakterini..

simdi; sen nasil bir asiksin dusundun mu? hadi dusun bakalim.

left behind

 

arkanda bakanlari biraktin ve gittin bugun.. ben bakakaldim arkandan.. sirtini donup gittiginde, artik bende dondum ve yoluma baktim.. isime gittim.. calistim.. didindim.. zaman hic gecmek bilmedi bugun.. istedim ki aksam olsun, ucagin insin, sesini duyabileyim, yada bir mesaj alayim senden..

gidenin arkasindan bakmak ne zormus, bunu anliyorum her defasinda.. senelerce annemlerin cektigini yasamak zormus gercekten.. ben giderken laylaylom gidiyormusum megersem.. hic arkama bakmadan.. cok degisik bir duygu geride kalmak.. arkadan bakmak.. sevdigin kisinin gidisini izlemek..

biliyorum ki geri gelecek, bize birsey olmayacak, ama sanirim “yalniz” olmak en buyuk iskence bana suan.. gittigimiz yerler bana onu hatirlatirken, heryerde eski anilarimiz varken, onu yanimda istemekten baska bir sansim olmamasinin hayal kirikligi var kalbimde.. ama bilirim ki buda gecer, biz gene biz oluruz.. guclu dururuz.. yeter ki geri donus olsun.. kavuscagimiz gun olsun.. simdi yapmamiz gereken, yeni bir geri sayim, ve gelecegi gunu beklemek..

~~  ~~  ~~ ~~ ~~   ~~  ~~   ~~  ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~   ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~     ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~  ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~

it is hard to be the one left behind.. the one that looks behind a lover, a friend, a family member leave you behind and move on.. not moving on to be exact, as a breakup, but to move on to another place.. “my baby” left yesterday, he went back to the States, and now I am the one who is left behind, stated at the same place and trying to move on also..

I never understood how my parents felt when they were saying their goodbyes to me at the airport, while I was moving on and going to the States.. now I know, how heartbreaking that experience was for them.. me; not looking back, and them seeing me go.. how emotional and how disastrous is it to one’s heart, I understand it now.

I hate being left behind, I honestly do. I got used to having him around so much, that I feel incomplete now.. I don’t enjoy anything, everyplace brings up memories, every places serves as a reminder of him.. but as time passes, I know I will get used to being “alone”.. and I know that he will return.. so starting from now, we all will be starting to do a new countdown..

gozyasi mi dedin? yok caniim

bazen gozyaslari ne kadar da vurdum duymaz oluyorlar.. akma diyorsun akiyor gozlerinden.. gozlerini yuvarlasanda, yukari baksanda, gene de cikiyorlar bir turlu, sonra dur durak bilmeden yagmur gibi akiyorlar yanaklarindan asagiya.. bir bakiyorsun ki sen masada aglayan kiz oluyorsun.. kendini tutamiyorsun ne kadar cok istesende.. dinlemiyor ki gozyasi.. nerden geliyor hic bilmiyorum.. nerden geliyor onca su.. bereketli oluyor bir kizin gozleri, onu biliyorum bir tek..

bir kiz ister ki akmasin gozyaslari, ne nedenle olursa olsun.. erkegin onunde akmasin bari.. hele birde biliyorsa ki onun her gozyasiyla cocugun da ici acir.. hic istemez ki o goz pinari calissin ve yanaklari islansin.. ama oluyor iste.. insan soz dinletemiyor ki gozlerine.. olmayinca olmuyormus.. her kiz ogrenmistir bunu, bende ogrendim..

cok mutluyum hemde cok.. ama iste icim de buruk.. yolcu etmek zor geliyor, onsuz gececek zamani dusunmek zorluyor bu gozleri.. istemez miyim bende yuzumde gulucuklerle ugurlamak, icini rahat ettirmek.. biliyorum ki onun da akli kaliyor bende ama dedigim gibi olmayinca da olmuyor..

neyse artik, alisir yanaklarim islakliga ama gorunmez kimseciklere belki.. gecer zaman ve bir sonra ki gozyaslari onu gordugumde akar belki de.. “zamanla gecer dedi, zamanla zamanla..”

iyi yolculuklar demekten baska hic birsey kalmiyor bana, kendine iyi bak, derslerine calis.. duzgun beslen demekten baska ne diyebilir ki insan.. bir de..

seni seviyorum.

him

There are times when I think about him.. just about his laugh, about his lips.. about his eyes.. I just thing about the hair on his arms.. the details that make him.. the sound of his voice, how it changes when he is sad and when he is happy.. i like thinking about him.. it just puts a smile on my face.. lights my insides.. i feel happy and free.. I am deeply in love with the way he holds me, the way he touches me.. I am in love with the way he makes me feel, each time we talk,.. I am in love with the butterfliues I get when I am to see him.. I get butterflies after all this time.. he just makes me happy! I love putting my head on his shoulder and feeling safe; like no one in this world can touch us, nothing can brake us.. I am in love with his eyes, the way they look at me and see me.. who I am and what I want.. I love thinking about him day and night.

mini

gozlerinde neseyi de buldum huznu de.. seni buldum ben kendimde.. sende beni aradim bir sure.. bulamazsin dediler ama buldum.. ikimiz bir olduk.. bin olduk dunyaya karsi.. senleyken tektik bu dunyada.. kimse yok gibiydi etrafimizda.. gozlerinde kendimi buldum ben.. nasil hissettigimi yansittin hep, sende yasadin benimle ayni duygulari.. beraber yasadik icimizdekini, disimiza yansittik biz senle hep bizi..
bazen seni seviyorum dememe bile gerek kalmadi, cunku sen anlarsin hep bakisimdan icimden gecenleri.. sinirli oldugumu bilmezken kendim, sen soyleyince gelir aklima sinirim… yada yorgunlugumu anlarsin, sesimin kisilmasindan.. ben yorgun hissetmezken bile.. yada reddederken yorgunlugu kendimce..
iyi ki girdin hayatima.. en yakin arkadasim oldun bana.. elimden tuttun, hastayken yanimda oldun.. zorluklari atlattik, mutluluk yarattik her olayda, her saniye.. mutluluk bizim oldu..
biz bir olduk butun olduk mini.. seni cok seviyorum

strong enough

sometimes I wish I was strong enough to carry the burden of the past and of the future..
sometimes I wish I was willful enough to make you proud of being with me.. 
sometimes I wish I was just like you, emotional yet stable, kind yet distant.. 
sometimes I wish I was strong enough to make it work, in me, towards you.. and keep us strong


I want to be strong for the both of us.. 
to keep us going.. to keep us warm even when we are apart.. 
I want to be strong for me
to keep me sane through these coming months..
I want to be strong for you
to keep me close to your heart..


sometimes I wish I was strong for us.. to keep time passing.. and to stop time when I am with you..